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December 16, 2008
I Couldn't Make This Up!
With rough weather in New York today, I heeded my instincts and headed for the airport precisely 3 hours ahead of my flight.
I hopped on the F train. Somewhere in Queens, it stopped quite suddenly. This lights dimmed. The conductor came on and said "there is a red light in the tunnel, we'll be waiting here". Almost 20 minutes later, we were underway again.
I switched to the E at Union Turnpike. It was so slow. Painfully slow. Like watching paint dry. It stopped between stations. No announcement. Several minutes later, we were underway again. I got out at JFK and checked the time. My 45 minute journey had taken an hour and 10 minutes. I better hustle.
I climbed on the AirTrain and it sat there. No announcements. After about a 5 minute wait, the train left. With a sudden jolt, the train stopped. A mechanical voice said "The train has stopped. We will update you shortly." DUH! 35 minutes later, the train pulled into Terminal 1. I was destined for Terminal 8. The doors opened. And stayed open. Just as I was about to leave the train to get a cab, now 1 hour before my international flight, the doors closed and we crept to Terminal 2. When the doors opened, I spotted an official looking person in a red vest. I hustled over to her and asked her what was up. A train had derailed and was causing unexpected congestion. I asked her how long she expected it would take me to get to Terminal 8, and she replied "Go get a cab."
I left the train, hoofed it up the stairs, over the road, and down the stairs to the taxi stand. The dispatcher wasn't there. I begged the driver to take me to Terminal 8 for $20. He shook his head and pointed to the dispatcher who was heading my way. After the usual exchange of paper between dispatcher and me, dispatcher and cab driver, we were on our way. Not 60 feet from where I got in the cab, he swerved and crashed into a supporting concrete post. Gently. But it was troubling to him, and he stopped, got out and surveyed the damage. I stuck my head out the window and hollered at him "I'm sorry for your cab but I'm going to miss my flight". The meter was running.
I flew through the doors at Terminal 8, rolly-bag in tow, and sprinted for the automated check-in kiosks. I dipped my credit card, zipped my passport, and a big yellow triangle appeared telling me to wait here, an agent would be with me shortly. There were at least a dozen agents within eye-shot, and the place wasn't very busy. Not one of them was headed my way. I spotted one across the way, and waved frantically. He came over and announced that he didn't have a card to authorize me, whatever that meant. He waved over a woman with several lanyards around her neck. I imagine one of those lanyards had the card that would authorize me. Sure enough, it did. The critical issue was that my reservation was in the name of David, and my passport is John David. Once authorized, the agent, the more important agent and I stood watching the computer as though it would reveal the secrets of the universe. Instead, it did not. Nor did it spit out my boarding pass.
This set off the airline swat team. 3 more agents descended. Nobody could figure out what the problem was. I kept saying I'm going to miss my flight, but all they seemed to care about was that the computer didn't print the boarding pass. Why would that be? What buttons did I press?
Finally, they sent me to the blue light. I think that's where they send trouble makers. As soon as I arrived at the desk, they said "sorry sir, but the flight is closed and I am going to have to put you on a later fight. At this point, it's noon. The next flight is at 5:15. For $450(!) I could confirm a seat. Or I could fly standby. I asked how many seats were available. 2. I elected to fly standby.
The agent suggested that I hustle to the gate to see if I could still get on the flight. I got to security, and there was a family of 8 first-time travelers in the single open security line. First, the car seats, then the strollers, then the carry-ons, then the kids' toys... It was endless. Finally through, I hustled to the gate, which was, of course, at the furthest corner of the terminal.
I patiently waited my turn. Finally, I was next. I asked if I could still get on the flight. She looked at me with that wickedly controlling kind of smile. She said "Honey, they downsized your flight to a smaller plane, and 3 people have volunteered to take the next flight." Let me guess, the next flight is the one I am on standby for, and I just got bumped off that one, too? Yup. Damn.
She suggested that she could confirm me on a flight from Laguardia at 3:20. I would have to retrieve my bag from the carousel, hop in $30 cab, check-in and get to the gate. And it had started to snow. I wasn't feeling lucky. I said thanks anyway, just ask them to retrieve my bag, I'm going home. She called someone on the radio and they confirmed that they would "spill" my bag.
She suggested that I take my time as it might take a while to retrieve my bag. I grabbed some lunch, and wandered slowly to the carousel. I felt beaten.
I arrived at the carousel almost an hour later. No bag. I went to the Baggage Claim office. They pointed to a guy sleeping in the corner. Go ask him. I woke him up. He said it would come out on carousel 9. I sat on the edge of carousel 9 for 30 minutes. No bag. I went back to the Baggage Claim office. This time, they called Someone. Someone had not heard about any request to "spill" my bag, and they would send it shortly.
About 20 minutes later, my bag arrived.
Dare I take the AirTrain back to Jamaica Station? It was snowing hard and I didn't dare take a cab into the city. I took my chances. The ride home was far less eventful. Clearly my luck was turning.
I finally got home at 3, seven hours after I left. I had accomplished nothing. I spent money on trains, subways, cabs and airlines, and got a great big pain-in-the-neck tour of diddly-squat!
I now have a $205 ticket with American Airlines, which I can apply to any future travel by paying a $150 change fee.
No wonder this country is in such a mess!
Posted by dave at December 16, 2008 05:51 PM